The lights are on....

but no one's home.... I have moved on....to this lovely home....I hope it's as lovely as this one has been....I just needed more space for my photos and more room to grow... My New Blog... With video and free stuff!

there's no place like home...

everytime i go home it provides a new perspective for me...

my trip to arkansas was filled with tornadoes, dog deaths, ovarian cysts, long drives, a wedding, lots of photos...and much needed think time. i had time to ponder and really think about life...i love those times. i asked myself questions. i answered my own questions. i played with my kids all day long some days...no internet...no phones really. just time. i played washers (a game mainly known in south, im sure you could google it) i caught the fun moments with my kids... i hung out with friends... took photos for my friends wedding... i gained a new perspective about what my "real world" is. i am constantly changing my perspectives...and i hope i always do. i realized all any of us really have is each other... A special thanks to some lovely ladies for birthday goodies! Amber you melt my heart...Bre your gifts were perfect...Stacey I love the blythe card...I am lucky to be loved. I'm glad to be back...Happy Monday!

im gone to arkansas....

so leave a message after the beep. BEEEEEEEEP!

Happy NSD!!!

Today is National Scrapbook Day...so there are tons of challenges going out all over SIS today...so get over there and play!! This is what I've got so far... My scrapspace...Not much to it...I turned one of my Ikea book shelves into a scrap desk...but as you can see, I use it more for storage and use a folding table to the actual scrapping:)

ikea ligting because our apartment living room has none:)

and Rhi's challenge: May manifesto...no photo:) Okay so I'm not sure how the digi girls do so awesome...I used to do a little digi a while ago, but never found my groove. But I thought this challenge was the perfect time to try again since there were no photos... I was completely inspired by one of Ash Wren's blog entries this week about not feeling guilty about every little thing...thanks lovely girl! So that's what my May manifesto is about... I may or may not get to everything and that's okay!!

Combo of Martha and Heather's Challenge: And Jen's challenge... .

Is this real?

I have never been more in love with stars, little red stars with the letter F... I was so blessed to be ask to become a Fashionista for Scrapinstyletv.com... I don't know why... I don't know how... I am humbled and honored to have my photo placed next to amazing ladies! Keeping it a secret was tricky... I hope I can keep up! Wish me luck!

something old and something new...

Oh! and something blue too:)

Since we moved into an apartment, we have been using the furniture from my studio and I have found a new appreciation for thrift stores and crafty decor...

Today I'm... enjoying my new thriftstore vases that remind me of my mamaw and fresh flowers from the market next door... enjoying my happy spring pillows that brighten my day when i walk through the door... enjoying my new attempt at organization...i made this bulletin board so i can organize my projects and bills using the new Simply LUXE line by LUXE designs... i just painted my IKEA magnet board and added a 12x12 paper to a picture frame for a dry erase notesboard...and all the dates are removal too:)...i also added my picture wire that used to hang in my old loft for added use... maybe now i'll be on top of things...stress the maybe! I am also enjoying happy kids... because although they share a bedroom now... have 1 tenth of the toys they use to... they love being able to go to the pool... play camping on the bunkbeds... and seem to be adjusting to Texas just fine. Love, kb

only skin deep...

It's true...I took this photo inspired by another flickr girl where the caption was "she didn't find much beauty in herself"...this is for "her". It's there...we just have to find it. Find "our" beauty. Not the beauty someone else says it should be. Not what we think other people think beauty is. I think many of us have struggled with this at some point in life...I have. I was so carefree as a teen. So confident in myself and I didn't care what people thought. And then, later I let someone tell me "well maybe you should care what people think, how else will you grow as a person!" I realize now that it was just pure negativity on their part. And I wasted a lot of time with that way of thinking. At times I wondered what people thought of my hair, my clothes, my home, my kids, my body, my nose, my boobs, my family. But now, I'm back to my teen ways of thinking and it's liberating. I was asked to be the guest designer for the Art Is Found blog... and I thought this layout was perfect timing...

I hope you are finding beauty within yourself...

it's there... YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL... no matter what "they" say!

a real simple ego trip...

for the last couple of weeks I have been reading "A New Earth". usually i can get through a book quicker than that, however, i am taking this book in...every line...every principle...it speaks to me... there is a chapter on ego... speaks to me... a chapter on resenting things that happen to you in the past and allowing them to keep you from peace now... again... speaks to me. i was so engaged in this book, i got overwhelmed at times...thinking "wow, i have sooo much work to do on myself" and then i realized it was truly simple to relearn. relearn how to let go of the past... relearn how to let go of insecurities... relearn how to let go of negative people. its a miracle book as far as im concerned...and i assure you, i am not easily impressed by "self enlightenment" books. i have many friends reading it as well and i see the same reaction with them. man, i feel like i should be marketing for this book...sorry. i just wanted to share a little piece of happiness and hope for a new day...a new earth even... for me anyway. also... found this little recipe card holder made by "real simple" at target for $4! it has 300 cards with lines so its perfect for photo journaling. i dont have time to get every little daily thing written down...but because i do the 365 flickr challenge...i have photos for everyday. its a great mix... Im too lazy to post all the pictures... so you can find it here... Kims Photo Journal Have a LOVEly thursday!

Love Thursday...

So today is Love Thursday over at Shutter Sisters and I am so full of love today...

First, this photo of Myra was chosen for the Love Thursday photo... I loved doing this shoot with them. I found myself looking back on my own "mommy to be" days... I remember how excited/nervous/sick I was. I remember thinking I am going to fail... and although at times people have tried to make me feel like I have... I think I've done a pretty good job. We can't have anymore kids... so I'll share in the excitement through others... so thank you Myra for letting me be a part of your special world. MUCH LOVE for THIS girl... She is the best...truly... She knew I was on a tight budget and sent me the sweetest package ever... Filled with things that are so ME... Headbands, rainbow candy, pretty paper, home decor magazines/tabloid magazines:) vintage, bold colors, news print letters, i could go on and on... But she gets me...and this proves it... I love you Martha! Also much love for KL for picking my layout for the catwalk, I was truly touched that "she" was the one who picked it. I adore her work, its so deep and inspiring and that layout means the world to me. And to the girls at OLW...thank you for picking my blessed layout...I love that blog, I love the use of words, I love my madi kay. Today I love: Snowcones Photoshop actions that make my photos better than I take them. IMs with missies. Creating everyday. Laughs with Skyler. A New Earth. My hair getting longer. New outlooks. Adele: Hometown Glory The color purple. Blue skies. Green grass. Sunrise and Sunset. I love my family, I love my faith, I love my friends/my SISters. I love that for once I can be who I want to be... Do what I want to do... Love who and what I want to love. With love, kB

apple a day...

so i've been trying to do something creative everyday. it's the best feeling to create daily. i love that i am learning new things...trying new things...using my writing, photography and painting in new ways. im pushing myself...my friends are pushing me. and it feels good! really good! i feel its only the beginning. stay tuned:) today's creation: sHAdowS of the pAsT we are going to a dollar movie tonight...a DOLLAR...how great is that...the popcorn is already calling my name. happy weekend!

U grow...

Can't keep myself together today... So many thoughts... So many plans... So much I want to do...but so much I have to do first. I feel its probably time that I acknowleged THIS girl. My bestest living states away. Eventhough we talk daily, it seems so far. So so far. Too far sometimes. But I'm determined that distance won't break us. Nothing will break us. So instead of painting rooms and canvases, we sit and figure out photoshop together(good thing we have free cell phone calls;) And instead of dropping into each other's homes, we drop in on each other's blog or flickr. Instead of experiencing things in the same place, we are growing on our own, but now without the support of each other. This fabulous book was my "going away" present... A book of all of my photography, with my poems and my writings and my scrapbook pages. It is perfect. And this is what I made for her... So that she wouldn't forget to grow... To achieve more than she already has... and I know she will.

Also, still loving David A. and Carly on American Idol...they made me proud last night! And I spent about two hours on the phone last night with THIS girl...so sweet and genuine and I enjoyed our conversation so much. We had a ton in common...who knew? I'm learning you have to let your guard down, or the fear will make you miss out on amazing people. So here's to keeping old friendships strong... and new one just beginning!

over here moma...

these days are the best...jade gets to take pictures (his favorite thing to do) and i get to play dress up! he is only four but he gets some good shots...

i am texan and the boots make it official!tried an urban texture with lavender overlay on this one...im tryin to get better at photoshop, somedays i feel like im making it, others i feel stupid:)

he gets right to my heart...to the deepest, sweetest spots... what we have is special.

why? but why? and why again?

This is why we moved... Skyler is able to make it home in 12 minutes rather than 2hrs from work... The sun has shined everyday since we got here...from the sky and from our hearts... For the kind of life WE want...and not the kind of life everyone else has... To make big life changes...and we have...everyday our new life becomes our real life. To finally grow up and learn that more is not better, a bigger house, more money does not make you happy...which is hard for me considering my childhood... To relearn what's most important in life...family...and doing what we love. We get to watch movies together...take walks at night. The kids are in bed on time, we laugh and make dinner together, the house is clean all the time, I do something creative everyday, Skyler is happier, I am happier, Jade and Madi Kay are happier...good things have landed on us in loads. They say if you listen the answers will come...and we listened and took a chance and life has fallen into place... Are we poor? yes. Are we worried our house in Indiana won't sell? yes. Do we struggle with our old ways of thinking...OF COURSE... But we didn't want to still be saying in ten years "someday we'll learn." But life is getting easier everyday...it seems we rounded a corner and are picking up momentum. So I am content with this choice. I am at peace for the first time in a while. I am okay. I've missed everyone, and I am so excited to be back, so let's play!

just one more thing before i leave...

I'll be back soon!!!

Wish me luck in TEXAS!!! Love everyone!! Love, me

its going to be...

Reality is setting in... Jaden is having a going away party at school... I'm having my last meeting as a Media Specialist... Madi is not taking dance anymore... I am not working anymore... I am looking at my flower beds realizing I won't get to see the tulips I planted in fall... People are already treating us like we are gone... The neighborhood has stopped looking familiar... This house is holding on like an old friend, while I'm slowly letting go... The neighbors look like strangers now... The phone calls and emails are backing up...I can't keep up. I am packing up our life, one box at a time... I am liberated by getting rid of so much junk...in the house...within myself. I am looking forward to a new start...but mourning the comfortable life. I am ready for the challenge with a glint of worry. I am longing to be settled, secure and sound. I am ready to be okay... To look back in six months and say...I did okay. We are okay.

are you positive...im positive...

for the Flu or so my sweet physician says. apparently its a super bad strain. aren't all flu strains bad though? but supposedly im on the mend. poor martha was sick too. good thing it waited til after CHA to ravage our bodies. sorry to be so dramatic but its been hell. on a lighter note though. i pulled myself together and was able to finish a layout i started before CHA. thanks to miss holly for the smileys and to miss ashley for the cutie pie card and to CHA for the new goodies!! i will be on here a lot less during my move. so don't forget me in my absence:) CUTIE PIES PAGE click here love you love, me

she says: "i'd love to shoot you..."

...i said: "i'd love you to shoot me to!!!" and so she did...really well to.... i met becky novacek at cha finally and she was amazing...she took martha and i out and shot THESE photos. i have never had photos look so great. she is an amazing talent and i am blessed that the stars were aligned, and i got to meet her. so CHA was too much for words...truly...life changing. i am sorry i haven't checked in, but i came home and fell ill quick, and today is the first day i have been able to hold my head up. i don't want to be a nerd, but when i say life changing, that's what i mean...exactly. it opened my eyes up to so many opportunities. so many challenges for myself. i met amazing women... the SIS girls... who are so beautiful in person! Becky...what can i say, i felt close to her immediately, she was so warm and welcoming. Michelle...so cute and sweet and she knew who i was which shocked me GiGi...she was so real and down to earth. definitely a little firecracker! Kerry...she definitely has a presence...her eyes...her personality...beautiful. Jeanette...she was exactly as i pictured her...she was so grounded yet funny, serious yet not, i can definitely see why things are going so well at SIS...she's a great leader. i also got to interview the lovely elsie...i didn't know her, but quickly learned that she is truly adorable. and she was too sweet to let me interview her... the SIS dinner was something i had never experienced before. so many women in one room, many of which had never met, and yet we all shared something...and i felt like i already knew them all. each SISTER was unique...from their look to their personality. and of course... Martha, Sarah, and Melissa...my Craft Critique girls... thanks to them for taking a chance on me and inviting me to CHA the very first night they met me...i thought, any minute they will decide, she's out! but not at all, they embraced me fully and i appreciated it. we just decided that we will be moving to TEXAS, so i won't be around much. forgive me if i am late responding...i will be posting as an afterthought to my responsibilities first. we will be leaving march 9 and reality is starting to set in. bye bye indiana. i have so much more i'd like to say, but i won't bore you...just know that this trip was perfect timing. i felt like i had hit the lottery everyday, and everyday the amount was larger! i am blessed i was able to share that with lovely girls. martha especially, thank you my little sassafrass lass;) also when i returned, my sweet sugary holly t, had a package waiting for me. as soon as the sickness leaves, im all over using my goodies!! and elizabeth sent the sweetest most adorable vday card. i am blessed. so until next time batman...

Welcome to your Hotel California...

such a lovely place...

Checkin in from CHA!!! I am having the BEST TIME EVER!!! seriously....EVER.

The weather is gorgeous and the new designs are phenomenal!

Some of my faves..

Michelle Ramirez from SIS...I was elated when she stopped me and said she recognized me from my blog! yay! She is adorable and so fun!!!

.

Martha and I in the Project Runway Lounge...

 

and...

FINALLY meeting Holly McCaig, the designer of Pink Paislee!! She is just as beautiful as her designs!! Super fun too!! I am i love with everything in this line!!! You will DIE for it!

and of course the BAM POP! designer JJ, the new stuff is so great over there too!!

What a fun and exciting place to be! 

Martha and Sarah and Melissa are super cool. These girls are a riot and I am blessed that they asked me to come along!  I am so new and keep asking "what's that? who is that? i don't know them." They are so helpful. And my new roomie Martha and I spend most of our time talking about where to eat next, when we are going to see more scrapbookers, and how fun the SIS lunch is going to be!! Can't wait to try out the new samples we received. 

Head over to the Craft Critique Blog for more sneak peaks and our

Staff picks of the day, as well as, our new fun feature "Hot Shirt of the Day"

and also, Martha's blog for her take on CHA!

until next time...

goodbye....

Chicago weather, Hello California!! I can't believe its already here!! YIKES.... going to CHA tomorrow! so i am not sure if i will be able to update... but i will try. really try. eventhough, my kids have had the flu for two days and i am completely not packed...i am feeling giddy! or maybe that's the cold meds talking! either way...i am so excited. i can't believe i have only been scrapbooking a month and yet i get to go. i feel soooo lucky and blessed. still haven't scrapbooked this week, but im sure after CHA i'll be ready to go! can't wait to meet holly mc and the bam pop girls and the SIS girls. can't wait to get to know martha and sarah more. can't wait to have warm temps and sunshine. can't wait to show off my total non-tan...you can tell by the photos... im definitely pastey:) can't wait to be kid free for four days:) have a great weekend... be back soon. another 365er: i am not a serious person, hardly....ever still laugh at immature jokes still laugh at people falling still laugh at american idol rejects.... but this, this at least LOOKS serious....dont you think? love, me

shutter sisters and super sweet sisters...what a SUPER tuesday it is!

so these days i feel like my posts are more like lists...but sometimes that's how its gotta be... i am dissappointed i haven't scrapbooked this week but the weather is killing me and i haven't bought anything for worry i will get it at CHA next week. crossing my fingers that holly gets to go!!!:)

so today i am excited that THIS PHOTO, one of my 365 photos, was chosen for the "click of the day" over at Shuttersisters....yay! its been a long few weeks. but, feel like saying thanks to a few girlies!!! first, to holly...thanks for the invitation into the mind of holly T and sharing+my fun mm letters! and, to linda...who made THIS adorable card about my blog:) so sweet. and to mary (who left this post) and lee (with this)who have made me feel super special. and Rhi for the sweet emails. i just feel blessed to have people who truly do care and show it. i hope i am doing the same for you guys:) and also, im so proud of Rhi and Martha for making to the next round of SIS callbacks, they are soooo talented and deserve every bit of it!!

and lastly, i'll just clear up a few little things about my health...this photo....

was part of my 365 challenge taken yesterday. just so everyone knows...my caption "story of my life" just meant i have had medical issues for so many years...i am okay....thanks for alllll the concern....yes, i was at the DR yesterday for more tests, yes its always a mystery, but i am not sick like i used to be...and for that im blessed. they think they know what's wrong now, so keep your fingers crossed. i will explain the whole thing on a "slow blog day" i promise. but i feel so lucky to have so many people email, or leave comments of support. you truly are "friends".

and another 365er...does anyone remember Rainbow Brite...my rendition:)

HAPPY SUPER TUESDAY YA'LL!

speaking of creating character...

Donuts and Home Depot kids classes...our favorite saturdays!!

so far they've built a Crayon fire truck, a castle, a ship and this new little step stool... they love the aprons and they even get a free pin and lollipop! and the best part is...its free! EXTRAS: My "one little word" layout

AND my 5/365 photo updated... woo hoo! happy saturday/almost sunday!

lost and found...

oh man!! its been an eventful couple of days...so much in a small amount of time! so ill just run down the list...it seems easier this way...because its all sooooo random... this morning i got an email from a friend saying congrats that this layout was chosen for the SIS catwalk. i was like????? i didn't even realize what it was. so i checked and it was. and i was humbled to have been chosen. i have a hard time believing people "get me" sometimes...and so this was such an honor. i have so much to learn from those girls. also, i joined the 365 challenge on flickr here are my first two pictures. so excited. BECAUSE i found a lense in my camera bag that i had never used because it was small and didn't look like much! i found out yesterday morning that it was a portrait lense and it is AMAZING!! i can't believe i was sooo dumb. ive had this camera for 4 mos. and keep asking myself. why are my pictures not like "theirs" i have that camera? now i know!:0) its the most fun challenge. i get to put my photoshop lessons to test...and its self potrait 365...so it challenges creativity of YOU...

how many miles can possibly be left on these shoes. i wear them everyday! 6.00 clearance at old navy outlet (oh yeah) and i think this is pretty self explanatory.

now, on a serious note: i need to take a minute to acknowledge something that is near and dear to my heart. for two days i have been unable to post about it without a flood of tears. its not sad, just emotional. so many emotions... for those of you who know my faith...i am LDS, a convert since 17, who up until then was severely scarred by religion...and two days ago, our Prophet, President Hinckley passed away. i was a convert to the faith and i have always looked at him as sort of a grandfather type since i really have never had one of my own. i can't go into my thoughts (refer to flood of tears comment) and i haven't had a chance because of the Media circus. he was a well known figure and all the newspapers have wanted stories and comments. so i have been super busy with press releases. so i will refer you to some places that help with my sentiments if you are interested...ERICAS blog has a great video of Glen Beck speaking of his adoration for Pres. Hinkley...and my husband SKYLER felt impressed to share his thoughts, so i put them on a blog for him (notice: the blog is not a artistic statement yet:) so i will say that i admire his life, and i am so thrilled that he is going to be joining his soulmate! no matter what, if any, religion you are...i thank you for allowing me to share this without judgement. love, me

i think i've overlooked my tag...or tagged my overlooked page...

Oh YaY...the adorable Shar...tagged me and called me a hootchie...much love... so here are my favorite sites... Old Fave: Pottery Barn...they are brilliant! For 5 years I have longed to have one room look like any page:) New Fave: Scrapinstyletv...Oh holy addiction...i love it and all the girls. its such a nice place to land!! if you are not in the know on this one...quick go see so you can be! Spiritual Fave: lds.org...i am a media specialist, so i am always over there getting ideas to put in the paper here. its peaceful, informative, and i get a special feeling there. Challenge Fave: Overlooked...i am so new to this challenge thing and its such a good pace, seriously, so inspiring and fresh. so get to that one too! Guilty Pleasure Fave: Perez Hilton...yes, i admit it. anddddd?! i seriously want a tee that says "save britney" Babysitting Fave: playhousedisney.com...its educational and it gives me about 30 mins of "me" time...without guilt...i said about now...sometimes not Creative Fave: Flickr...holy crap people are sooooo amazing....i am in awe everyday of those photos over there! Clothing Fave: Anthropologie...i look...i adore...i try and copy for cheaper...i can't alway buy...hardly ever buy. and last but DEFINITELY not least... AMAZON...gotta have books...gotta know what people think about books...gotta let people know what I think about books! so i tag: hmmmmmmm...people who dont have them listed already on their blogs... holly T...give it to me baby! jess D...i think already know, but go! elizabeth M...and it can't be the police dept website. lol lee W...can't wait:) shelly B...do it do it. martha B...i wanna know (besides perez, jk) so there...favorite sites!! GO! gosh so many already had them listed on their blogs... and speaking of Ashley's overlooked challenge...here is my layout for subject one...

Journaling reads... "dear fav. mug, i am writing to let you know that its time i let you go. see, you have been around for many events in my life. many sleepness nights, illnesses, cold days and long hours. you've always been right there when i needed to escape. so... it is for this reason that i must say goodbye. i no longer need to escape. and each time i stretch my hand out to meet your "hand"le, thoughts of the past trickle in. thoughts of a time when i felt so alone...felt inadequate...insecure...worthless...isolated a time filled with sickness, confusion, darkness, abandonment, and pain...every single tear. You've been the one for: taking medication calming myself sharing cocoa with the kiddos tryin new herbal teas with skyler accompanying my prayer and pleas to GOD... you've seen me at my best and worst... and yet you are still a "trigger" for unhappy thoughts... i have "overlooked" you influence on me for to long... so its time i move on... i no longer want to linger i no longer want those thoughts i want to write in my design journal at night with clarity and peace... i want to enjoy the person i have become. i want closure. it will be hard to replace you, but im sure i can manage. maybe something in pink or orange with do the trick! love, your old friend kB

i "heart" yael naim...&... survived my first week at SIS...&...link for 3 column blogs (an easy one).....&.....new layout

oh how i am in love with this song "new soul" it is seriously my life story! check her out! also her version of toxic is cool too! yael naim click here

i love the song "with you" by chris brown... so the journaling reads: i bet its hearts all over the world tonite with a lover in life who feels what i feel when im with you! each card represents the word love in three languages: japanese in honor of sushi french and greek i used the old frames from my last layout and the scrap pieces from the hearts so that nothing goes wasted from that fabulous kit!

so i made it through my first week over at SIStv. i dont want to be a nerd about it but i love that site. i can already hear the "duhs". i totally hate putting myself out there. especially when people can leave a comment. holy hell. i was so nervous. there are amazing girls over there. more creative than i could ever be probably. but i love it just the same! i am having a great week because... 1. we are a few inches closer to deciding where to live 2. i have made some really amazing new friends (love you) 3. i have gotten reacquainted with a few old friends (love you too) 4.* holly T invited me to NY (soon) *ash wren called ME creative (giggles) coming from her, i about died (still on a high from your email xo) * rhi called me lovely(more lovely than i) * martha said she loved my work(again not worthy) *crista made me cry with "when i hired you, i knew we'd be friends forever"(kisses) *bre said she was in love with my stuff(oh no reverse that missy) 5. the sun came out twice this week 6. i got scrap paper in the mail from a friend (wink) 7. my moma says she's proud of me (but she's not picky) 8. my kids are healthy 9. i finally got the blog sorta kinda how i want it without losing most of my stuff(except my list of girls) so leave a comment so i can add you again! 10. and eventhough the basement flooded, it WAS NOT as bad as the last time Save as Draft so i know im a dork, and i knooooowww im a late comer, but i am happy to officially be a part of a community where the girls are so exceptional and inspiring. and now i have a real reason to stalk them:) i have so much to learn. but my heart is smiling anyway! 3 COLUMN BLOGS....for those who asked....just sharing what i know...cuz it took me forever! the link below is the one i used. i thought it was easy to follow and i still kept most of my stuff. only the girls blogs didn't transer. so good luck! can't wait to see the new blogs! 3 column blog link love, me

new layouts added to...I got some good news and im over the bad news...

"which would you like first?" okay, bads news...our basement flooded again. SECOND time in TWO months...ohhh the drama. so i refuse to be upset...i'm not in a "feel sorry for myself mood". okay good news... REALLY good news... This face: This cheesey, over dramatic, face means I am going to CHA in CaLiFoRnIa next month!! How? Why? With Who? you say... Well i finally made it to my Chicago Craft Collective and met the amazing Martha and Sarah and had the most awesome time. i was so happy to get cute emails from them and I'm still hyped over it! So they invited me to come to CHA as a staff reporter for the Craft Critique. Yay. and of course i totally sprung it on Skyler at the last minute with "i know i just started scrapbooking again, and i know we are trying to sell our house, and i know we are looking to move to texas, but...." He was so supportive I am still shocked. He bought my plane tickets and said "i think this will be great for you!" he is even taking off 3 days so i can stay the entire 4 days:) I love that boy too much somedays. It's the most perfect ending to a trying year...'08 is already looking up! One last thing...Here are some scrapbook pages i finally started again. now some of these were done before i bought new stuff (as most of my scrapbooking supplies were ruined in the first flood). so bear with me. i am starting over...again....I dont have a scanner so i will continue to post them when my camera battery is up again:) i hope everyone is having a wonderful year so far! i am so ready for what's next! rainbow sushi luv...i can't say how perfect this kit is. its my color scheme. its my thoughts all in one. its the first kit i've bought in over a year! i can't believe i cut the shapes and words out but no worries...saved all the frames for later. just a note: those little pictures are actually from a mosaic i made at bighugelabs. they are the perfect "in between size" This is the condensed version of the poem I wrote here the other day. I definitely turned my negative into a positive. That day I started scrapbooking again. These are my favorite things about my favorite people. When I was in high school...(before I knew about scrapbooking) I used to make these little collages for my friends. I made this one for myself. I found it the other day...and it amazes me how much you stay the same yet become different too. I just added it to a 12x12 and added the extras. Sorry about the quality...still taking photos of my pages rather than scanning... This one was inspired by my favorite band right now "paramore" the journaling reads... They taped over your mouth ...scribbled out the truth with their lies...your little spies. The name of the song is Crush. I made this to remind me of all the times people told me i wasn't good enough and how Crushing that was...but also how I learned to only listen to myself.

A New Day/ Rainbow Sushi

So today is a good...no...great day! Eventhough the weather is seriously trying my patience, I have many things to celebrate! I finally scrapbooked again after taking an entire year off! So as soon as Skyler can take it to work to scan it, I will share...but...BUT BUT BUT...for those of you who do scrapbook...and love to do so with fun, innovative and original things...I have to tell you to go check out this girl's new collection over at Scrapinstyletv.com. Its' called Rainbow Sushi and it is AMAZING!

I love that she drew it with crayons, I love that it is a mixture of all things her, and I love that her dream is coming true! So...I bought mine this morning and I am so excited to start scrapbooking again, and she truly is the inspiration behind it. I have known her since high school, but feel like I have really gotten to know her through her work, and that's inspiring. And I am proud to know her! Alright, so there you have it...thanks for everyone who sent me nice emails the other "day". It meant so much. I love the little community of support I have found out here in the blogosphere. I feel I have so much to look forward to in the coming year:) Muah!

tryin to turn a negative into a positive.

WARNING: The following does not represent my daily mindset. But today was a rough one and writing it down is the best therapy. Most days... it doesn't even break through. Most days it's hidden... like a book on a dusty shelf of the past... a cruel past. But not this day. No, not this day. This day... it surfaces in a snapshot of the past... the same cruel past. The usual nightmare, had many times. A memory so strong that this day will not prevail... it can not prevail. Focus now... push it back... happy place... repress. repress. repress. It's no use... the picture is already there. The sounds. The darkness. The fear... The fear. This day I will not win. I can not win. This day I will pay for someone elses' evil... Again. This day I will put on a smile and cry alone... Again. Because although they ask, they can not know. And if they know... they can not understand. See, they only love you when you're strong... speaking out is weakness. Most days... the walls prove sufficient enough to keep the peace. Not this day... this day is fierce. Most days I wake up with boxing gloves... ready to fight. This day... I wake up broken bullied beaten... too late to even stand. Today I was weak in the eyes of some. Today I let him win... Again. Today I gave in too quickly. But not tomorrow... NO not tomorrow. Tomorrow I WILL be the fighter. Tomorrow I WILL win...at all costs. Tomorrow I WILL be myself...my joyful, grateful, inspired SELF. As long as tomorrow is not like today. copyright: kim brimhall '08

Shortcuts...I love shortcuts

So I have been wanting to add these photos and a stream to my flickr, but I only knew how to do mosaics in photoshop and I was too lazy to do it. And all the cool people are doing it...Seriously I was hoping for a shortcut...then a sweet little angel named Bre told me about THIS super fun site. I love it (its like a new toy) and I love her! So just in case you were wondering...that's the place! So yes its Christmas and yes these are 2 months old. But thats okay. Fall pictures are a tradition in the Brimhall family started when Jade was one. So we took these back in the fall when I got my new camera! I am always late...with anything...and everything...I do. What I love... The first photo was for Jade's class project...the topic was Uniqueness. So he submitted this picture labeled "be unique" and... the picture of Jade in our front yard because the grass is so green. It's the little things that get me.

And this girls photos are amazing...as soon as I get the real photoshop I want her actions...and a look into her brain!

Visions of sugar plum fairies...

Stockings: check Milk and rice crispie snowman for "Santa": check

We're ready...we hope you are too! Merry Christmas!

Im not one to post videos of the kids...

BUT...I just had to. Because...she was so little. Because...i love her little curly hair. Because...she isn't scared to stand with the big girls and do her own thing. Because...she is so excited. Because...she gets distracted easily like her mommy. Because...i miss her. Because...for a while she had no hair and that little scarf she's wearing for a belt...she wore in her hair ALL the time. Maybe that's why she is still obsessed with headbands. The collection is up to 12 now. Because...for Christmas she is finally getting Ballet Lessons (that we have not been able to afford this year)...and this reminds me why it was worth it to give her something she asks for everyday "mommy are you going to sign me up for dance today?"...rather than more toys she will lose interest in...Quality not Quantity. Because...i want her to know, her dreams are important to me, and i will do what i can to help her find them, develop them, and make them reality. Because...I don't want to forget that moment. Dancin Queen Add to My Profile | More Videos

ITs Official...HE is the BEST

************UPDATE************ He WON!!! THANKS TO EVERYONE WHO VOTED FOR SKYLER! I FEEL SO LUCKY TO HAVE HIM AND TO HAVE FRIENDS AND FAMILY WHO CARE ENOUGH TO HAVE VOTED FOR HIM! EVEN THOSE OF YOU WHO DIDN'T EVEN KNOW US, TOOK THE TIME TO VOTE AND I FEEL BLESSED. IT WAS ANNOUNCED THIS MORNING HERE AND WE ARE SO EXCITED! ********************************* So my heart is smiling so big right now. I am so proud I can hardly stand it. Why? you ask. Well my amazing husband Skyler has been chosen by a committee as one of the six finalists for the "Best Husband in the World" contest. He is the youngest one on the list and he is up against some pretty amazing husbands. So those of you who know him, or know how much he means to my little family, if you'd please vote for him...You can find the poll on Candace Salima's page. Candace is an LDS author who is sponsoring the contest. You can reach her blog HERE and vote. The poll is on the right hand side. She added the blog i wrote about him HERE I don't think he will even believe someone else (besides me) thinks he's that great. He is truly humble. Thanks so much! *****Heart still smiling*****

Tis the season for...

window shopping on the square...

dancing in the streets...

and Cherishing the ones you love most...

The holiday is more than one day...

It's a state of mind.

Enjoy your family...

Enjoy yourself...

Enjoy!

What I've been up to...

For the last month Jess and I have been working on these little frames and who would have thought it would have gotten so wild. We thought "Oh while our design work is slow, we'll just try and see if a few shops want to carry our frames." We are now carrying them in 5 shops around our area. We have made over 50 and are still suppyling orders for Christmas.

People are ordering them with all kinds of sayings, all kinds of colors. It might hard to see what they are, but they are wooden frames, with glass inserts, and vinyl lettering put directly on the glass.

So now we are offering them to everyone. If you are interested in ordering one of these. Email me:

The color, the phrase you'd like and the color of the lettering. Some examples of christmas gifts would be

Johnson Established (year married)

Family...the ones who love you most.

When I grow up...

So I was cleaning out some baskets today and ran across this little picture taken a few months ago. It is definitely not a secret that I wanted to be a ROCKSTAR when I "grew up" and maybe in another life it would've worked out. But now I just sing in the shower, car, in front of my mirror. So Jaden picks the picture up and says (and the written words are not even gonna come close to how it sounded)...so he says...(I'm still laughing)..."whoa, moma. It's official (he's 4 by the way)...its official....You are a super Rockstar! Look Madi, moma is a Rockstar!" And then they both proceeded to give me their applause with the whole *jump up and down while clapping* act. Screaming "moma is a rockstar...moma is a rockstar." So for a moment, and I do mean just one moment, I felt like maybe I was...to them anyway. I mean we can be whatever we want to be to our children right? And although I don't take the picture serious, I do love it. It was a fun photo. I was able to step out of..."kim: soccer mom, classroom mom, hairdresser mom, macaroni maker mom, family home evening mom, coloring book mom, make homemade treats so jade's not embarassed at school mom" and into as Jaden would put it..."Super Rockstar" mom. So to all the lil mamas with Rockstar souls, and I know beneath it all, you're out there, Rock ON!

Spread the love...

So I am all about supporting creative people. My good friend boblane has started doing graphic design work. So if you find yourself needing some help check him out...at Pink Peach Production He's super!

"I don't have time for the nonsense..."

...she said. And I said "I agree." I spent the entire day Saturday with this sweet little lady, Betty. I picked her up for our Super Saturday at church (crafts and such), and she stayed at my side most of the day. I didn't mind one bit either. I wouldn't have gone probably(because Saturdays are crucial around here) but I had to cover some things for the newspaper and had to teach a class. At the end of the day though, I was so happy I went. With stories of 30 years of travels and experiences, I felt it a blessing to be able to soak up everything she wanted to put out there. She spoke of her children, as did I. She spoke of her struggles in her childhood, as did I. Our eyes saw no age that day. Not once did it register to me that she was almost triple my age. Not once did her laugh, her smile, her stories seem too old for me to relate. Not once did I realize I had only met her hours before. Not once did she make me feel like my stories were immature or inferior. She told of marriages and divorces, friends who had passed before her, and those she had forgotten. She allowed me to see a piece of her seasoned mind and I felt lucky to have been the one who picked her up that morning. We sat "trying" to figure out how to make hats for the humanitarian aid agency through our church, and each of us made a huge mess. We had to start over many times, chuckling the whole time with phrases like "this is a disaster" "well you are doing better than me" "what do you mean I have it backwards?". After a while, I said "its not gonna work. Mine is horrible." She said..."Yeah, I don't have time for the nonsense..." I said..."I agree. Should we get lunch?" She said..."Oh definitely."

No two snowflakes...

...are the same. Or so they say. But I have always felt different until today. I always believed you were just like me. I always believed we shared one identity. Two voices, two hearts in harmony. Two sisters, two hearts completely. How did I fail to show you the path. What did I do to deserve such wrath? My dream for you has lost its shimmer. Your eyes are cold, the color much dimmer. The blame game gets me nowhere, and a life without you I could never bear. My hand is slowly slipping, My heart is slowly ripping. "If you fall I will catch you, I'll be waiting" The light on your face is fading. Hold on and I'll never let go. I bleed your blood, cry your tears, I share your pain, fight your fears. Try harder and you'll make it "I know" Because I am as you are, And you are like me. We are two snowflakes, falling together eternally. I miss you.

Holy addiction!

I have just finished reading this book. I love it! Now I'm onto the next book in the series...New Moon. We talked about it at Book Club on Friday and I have to say I was pleased to know that I am not the only one obsessed with it. If you haven't read it and you like a good disturbing love story...this is the book for you:)

This is why...

It's difficult at times to take a step back and realize how good my life is at times. Whether I feel sorry for myself or I have someone negative trying to drag me into their misery, I don't always see things for what they are. I am so blessed and its time that I started showing it. This all comes to light because I have a friend who thinks all husbands are the same. I told her she was mistaken. She said, "you act like you have a perfect husband." I said "Oh no sweetie, you have it wrong. I have a husband who is trying to be perfect." I sometimes forget that we can't be perfect. I sometimes forget that husbands can have their unflattering moments just like us. Unless you are perfect and you should exit now because you know all of this:)

We are all just trying to be the best mothers/fathers/husbands/wives/friends, we possibly can....and sometimes we are just okay but sometimes we are magnificent. She said "Why is he so great?" I said "Well let me tell you.." 1. When we were dating he left me a card on my car everyday...everyday! 2. When we were first married he won a pearl necklace and a weekend stay for writing an essay on "Why I love my wife." for KSL radio in Salt Lake. 3. Although I hate them, he is constantly giving me surprises...a few...Oprah tickets, trip to Seattle, thousands of little things he brings home week to week (like the rug from IKEA I have wanted for months, IT was on my floor this morning when I woke up). 4. He is constantly saying "you'd be so good at that, man, you can do everything" or "the kids are so artistic, they definitely get that from you, or jaden has your memory." 5. While I was gone to Arkansas over the summer, he completely transformed my bedroom. Paint, molding, furniture, lamps. He also did our bathroom. I was so proud. 6. He STILL writes me poems. 7. He'd rather be at home with me than out with his friends. 8. He took off work for Jaden's first day of preschool and took him to pick out a backpack. 9. He is real. Always himself. There isn't a "behind closed doors" Skyler, sometimes bad but mainly good. 10. I love his name. 11. He is an amazing public speaker. 12. He was youth govenor of Washington in high school and is passionate about politics. 13. He is constantly trying to be more spiritual for me and the kids. 14. He is a better father than a lot of men I've met. 15. He is a great cook. 16. He excels at his job without a degree. 17. My family adores him. 18. He is always giving, always understanding, always trying to be a better person. 19. He's humble. 20. He still kisses my forehead before we go to sleep. 21. He brings me flowers and tabloid magazines:) 22. He tells me to "shut up" when Im being stupid. 23. He is my army. 24. He loves my hair curly. 25. He is my soulmate. And if that's not enough for you...try this... A poem he recently wrote me... Dear Kim, Did you know that... when I think of you I smile? when I see you I get butterflies in my stomach? sometimes when you speak I forget what I wanted to say? I have never seen eyes so blue? I love to read what you write? that you draw me out? at times my life has been full of darkness? when you are near you chase the darkness away? I've never seen you meet a stranger? that you make me a better man? "Pacco" means "the love of my life"? that I dream of us old and gray? that your hair smells like rain? Forever was way to long until I glimpsed a reflection of us walking hand in hand? I've thought about you all my life? I know the sound of your footsteps in the night? when we met I wondered if you could ever be my wife? I will lay awake just to watch you sleep? that you light up a room as you enter it? you are the kind of mom that I always wished for when I was young? when we were dating I would wish upon the stars just to hold you all night? that I thanked God when that wish came true? that I never really knew what love was until I fell in love with you? I never knew one kiss could ignite such passion? when you're across the room, I enjoy watching you? that your smile can send grown men to their knees? that...I never knew what sorry was, until I made you cry? that...I feel like I've let you down at times? that...I don't know why I've pushed you away? that...I worry about losing your heart and mind sometimes? that...I never knew what lonely was until you and I are apart? that...I never knew what cold was until I faced the night alone? that...I can't sit and think of life without you? that...I never want to live without you? Love, Sky So I say don't be a statistic. We won't. Be blessed and show it.

Last year, I began playing with Photoshop and doing digital imaging. Well I was playing around with digital scrapbooking (because i can do it at two without the mess). Anyway, I stopped doing it with all my other responsibilities and forgot about it. Today I am cleaning out my "my pictures" folder and I found a page. I think I got the layout from someone and then added my own info, Im not sure. It's definitely not an artistic expression, I was just playing around. However, as I read over the list, I noticed not much had changed, but one thing had. "My primary class". So I wanted to write about it so I could remember how much I miss them. Now do I miss the kids personally? Some yeah, but its more that I miss "teaching" someone. I miss that every Sunday there were all those pairs of eyes on me. That each time I saw those kids they asked how I was, how my kids were. I miss the laughing, I miss the fighting, I miss the hugs and I miss being able to learn with them. Sometimes they new more than me and I was okay with that. I have a new calling as a Media Specialist so they released me from being the Primary teacher and although I love, love LOVE my new calling, I feel a piece of me misses that part of me...misses Sister Brimhall..."she's my teacher!" but more importantly I feel a great sense of gratitude that I was able to be that person for 5 years. So I'll officially say goodbye to that person for now. Who knows if I suck at this new calling, Im sure they can find a place for me in the Primary:)

This is how Madi rolls...

no pun intended. Chef hat... rolling pin snow boots... and no pants! What's more fun than that?

My..umm.the kids birthday party.

Irish twins are children born within the same year of each other they say. Well we just missed it. And as my dad says "almost only counts in horsehoes!" My kids are one year and 11 days. But ah the benefits of having the kids birthdays within one week of each other... It's cheap. I can have one party for all of their friends.

Only one day of stress for me. It's cheap.

This was the first year the kids had a "themed" birthday party. And when I was trying to decide I kept thinking...do I do a Dance party for Madi or a Spiderman party for Jade? So probably nine months ago, I saw in my Better Homes and Gardens magazine an idea I loved. They got something they both love...an Art party. As this is their favorite thing in the entire world, it worked out perfect. And I already had the stuff for the party. I could have never imagined that at such a young age the kids would be so creative and so expressive, but I am overwhelmed that they are. When I ask myself sometimes "Are they really mine?" this tells me that they are. The party was great and the kids had a great time. I was just happy that because people came to an "art party" some of them felt like they needed to bring an art gift. The more the merrier. You know how often I am replacing stuff? Below are some of the pictures of the party. Its over and already I am thinking of next year's theme! Silly I know. But it probably means more to me than it does them. And I am A okay with that!

Madison wasted no time.

I loved these little personal canvases.

She is a serious artist.

July party...snowcone is a must.

No more pictures mom, its my birthday.

The minds of children are simple yet inspiring. Finally the black beans get some use.

Another pirates hat. This makes 3 in the last year.

Madison's paint dish always looks like this when she's done. Loved these umberellas...

...and these lanterns.

Finally its okay to eat my candy.

Finally...

I have started transferring my older posts from my old sites. And I have added all the comments to the old ones too. So now you can start reading this site only. I have only made a dent. I am excited that they will all be on the same site now. Until I change it again:)

My child...

More ramblings posted from myspace blog:

Monday, June 25, 2007 My child Never knew the meaning of life until I gave it to you. Never walked the walk til I walked it with you. Never thought I was selfish until you ask for my ear. Never listened so intently til I head you near. Never saw the world with such color... Never cared so much for another... Never took a look in mirror... Never longed for family to be nearer. I never thought I could cry so hard until I saw you cry. I never looked for the truth until you asked "what's a lie?" Never will I leave you, I brought you here. Never will you grow up, you'll always be my child, my baby, my dear. 5:15 PM - 3 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

Charles Bravo! Posted by Charles on Tuesday, June 26, 2007 at 5:19 AM Beth very touching, excellent Posted by Beth on Tuesday, June 26, 2007 at 8:50 PM Creeda Bonita' Love it girl!!!! Amazing how kids truly change your life isnt it!! MIss you Posted by Creeda Bonita' on Sunday, July 01, 2007 at 8:09 PM

Don't touch my tag!

This was moved from my myspace page: Monday, October 23, 2006 Don't touch my tag! Rules: Each player of this game starts with the "6 weird things/habits about you". People who get tagged need to write a blog of their own 6 weird habits/things as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names. Don't forget to leave a comment that says "you are tagged" in their comments and tell them to read your blog. Okay Brad said I'd do it so here goes: 1. I have to know the lyrics to songs I like...therefore I will listen to the song over and over and over until I know all the words...Ironically, I am then sick of the song and never want to listen to it again. 2. I shave my arms...I wish this was not needed but its true so let the teasing begin! 3. Sometimes while I am talking to stupid people, closeminded people, liars, manipulators, etc. I actually visualize punching them in the face, however I can't seem to get satisfaction merely from the image...but I am not violent so the action remains undone. 4. I have this fear/preminition that I will die young. But what defines young really? I figure I have a 50/50 chance of being right. I always think, if I do then I will appear psychic, if only for a moment. 5. I have to check the mail if I think its there. Rain, sleet or snow, I absolutely have to check before I get in my car or before I go in my house. And if its past 2 in the afternoon, and I remember, I have to check it then. If its there, or could be there, I must have it. And after I get 500 bills I wish I hadn't...but like clockwork...the next day what happens..."got mail?" 6. I am never satisfied with my accomplishments, or the lack thereof, so I will be doing something different constantly for the rest of my life Im afraid. I have this nagging thought that I was/am destined for greatness but fear that I have missed the window. I think I should just admit myself now before the "breakdown"LOL. Tag you're it: 1. Trinity...I wanted someone interesting on the list. 2. BobLane...I need accurate darkside representation. 3. Joanna...betcha can't do it like me. 4. Jason...I want to compare notes. 5. Charles...Yeah because I know it will be supppper funny and I need a laugh. 6. Cheryle...You got more life experience...don't let me down. 7:20 PM - 5 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove Boblane Well, you stole my number six, because that is definitely me. Tell me, did your parents ever say "you can do anything you set your mind to,"... only they actually believed it themselves? I know that was my case... Posted by Boblane on Monday, October 23, 2006 at 9:23 PM kim b Actually my parents said something like "You need to become rich so you can pay to fix our mistakes." So I feel like I have failed them already...lol. Posted by kim b on Monday, October 23, 2006 at 9:35 PM Boblane Yeah, I think mine went a little far with theirs, because eventually it grew to the point where that's how they would get me to do things. For instance, they would say, "Hey, you can do anything you want because you are so intelligent, and you have always been able to succeed in all that you have set your interests on. Oh, and by the way, we're laying a new hardwood floor in the dining room- you can probably figure that out, right?" Meanwhile, I'm thinking, "Yeah, that's probably pretty easy. I'm smart. Handy, even. I can do anything I set my m..... they did it again!" Posted by Boblane on Friday, October 27, 2006 at 11:56 PM kim b LOL That's Hiliarious!!! I think I will try that with my 3 yr old. With me, I just thought I was smarter than my parents. LOL jk well not really. and by the way, I need hardwood laid in my house too. So if you ever need a vacation... Posted by kim b on Monday, October 30, 2006 at 6:47 AM JOANNA i did tha dang thing....shave on sista Posted by JOANNA on Tuesday, October 24, 2006 at 8:15 PM

Blowing wishes

Well moma it is your birthday today and so you must make a wish. But I have a few of my own for you. I wish I could travel back in time to the times I said "you don't understand," because I know you do understand more than anyone. I wish I could have ask God to give you... A life with less pain. A life long friend to stand by you. A home to call your own. A light to brighten your world when it got dark. A mother who would have loved you for you. A father who wouldn't have left you so soon. A happiness that would last a lifetime. A time for you to shine. A life that you would love. But moma I can't give you those things...I will never be able to give you enough to say thank you for what you have given me. So now I wish... That I will be able to help you forget your pain if only for a moment. That I can be that lifelong friend to stand by you. That someday I will buy you a home. That I will have the strength to be that light when it is dark. That I will help you remember your parents. That I will make you happy. That I will spend every breath telling the world that you are perfect in every way. That someday I will be half the woman you are. That I will spend my whole life trying to make you proud. That I will love you forever. That you will look at me and see yourself in my eyes. That you will know just how lucky I feel to call you my mother, my moma, and my friend. I will never say "I hope I never turn out like my mother." It would be an honor to share some part of who you are. They say if you want to know what a woman will look and act like in 20 years, look at her mother... I wish I am that lucky! I love you with everything in me... Happy Birthday MOMA!

wo(MAN) in the mirror

So I'm back. Not back from a nice cruise. Not back from a weekend getaway. Not back from anything other than a month that seemed to last a million years. Much happening this last month. Had the mother in law here for 3 weeks. Change in ADD meds (lol) yeah. Started a new design company. Started new job as a color expert for a home builder. All the while trying to balance everything and everyone...My report card... Time management: F Family recognition: F Communication: F Creative Design: A So...I was happy with the outcome of the work(as was Adrian our client). I had been doing but I learned more than I would have liked to about myself. First, not being organized really is a big deal. I was not prepared for the time requirements and the strain on my family. Second, I learned that time doesn't heal everything. Sometimes you have to deal with the issues and then let time do the rest. Third, I learned that you can have two completely conflicting feelings all at the same time: i.e. I felt such a sense of accomplishment and pride for finishing our design project. And it was nice to have extra money so that my husband wasn't stressed. However, the people who mean the most too me had suffered...my children and Skyler and my mom-in-law. Long nights. Random shopping trips. Sleep deprivation had lead to me being the person I have never wanted to be, inconsiderate, vacant. Jaden starts preschool soon and though I am excited for the break, I am saddened that my time with him has run short. So I find myself saying "I love you buddy" 5 million times a day. Im sure he's annoyed only slightly. And Madison, well she is so serene. I wish I could take a piece of her and bottle it up. I hope I am spending enough time with her. So now I am embarking on the huge journey of organizing myself. Compartmentalizing work kim and mommy/wife kim. I am doing a horrible job of it right now, but I am not a quitter so I have faith that I will overcome. I know who I am and what I love and whom I love. So for now that's my focus. Check back in five minutes though, that seems to be my attention span.

Im tired.

I have so much to catch up on...stay tuned.

Good things come...

to those who wait. I am the most impatient person ever. But I have to say that the last few months have been some of great revelation. Good times and rock bottom times, but I am still here. I am still pushing along. So, a few months back, I had starting feeling sorry for myself. Pity Party...party of one please. Serious. I was a little down that as I went through my life list, I hadn't completed many of the things on it. I love being a stay at home mom. And I love spending the time with my kids, but it doesn't change the fact that I am an individual as well. I think having my own goals and dreams makes me a better mom. However, I was disappointed that I had let my writing go. I was wondering if I could write anymore, if I'd ever start my journalism career again, if I needed to stay home, if I needed to work. I just couldn't get any clarity. I mean I walk around in a cloud anyway, but this was bad. So I just let it go. I decided that my children are who they are because I have spent so much time and energy letting them discover and learn. I get so many compliments on them whether it be their personality or how smart they are, that I take that as some personal accomplishment. I am so lucky to have them. And so I felt good. I didn't go to work and I didn't complain anymore. Fast forward to now. Over the last few months, I was given assignment after assignment doing articles for the church. And just last week I was ask to be a Public Affairs Media Assistant. Meaning that I have to meet with the religious editors of the major newspapers in Chicago on a regular basis. Also I have about an article a week that I am responsible for. I mean talk about divine intervention! I am still staying at home and I am doing what I love, what I missed for so long. I have so much excitement. I have always been a firm believer that we make our own lives. But this is truly an example of my faith winning out. My first article "The Pursuit of Happiness" was accepted and ran in the newsroom section on lds.org. I have three more that are going into local newspapers this month. I know I don't seem very humble at the moment but this is more about my need to express how thankful I am to be where I am. How grateful I am to have the life I have. Skyler is my number one support. When I said "I don't know if I can write anymore." he said "Shut up, of course you can, you are so talented Kim. " So for once I did shut up. I thank him for that. Wish me luck.

"Love Can Build a Bridge"

Hand in hand we used to play... Now I long for you everyday. I sang that song to you every night... But the bridged has burned and now we fight. I cried on your shoulder... Eventhough I was older. You looked up to me... And still you can't see. I only wanted more... On the other side of that door. I only wanted peace... And all pain to cease. I just needed space... To find my place. You shared my childhood... It wasn't our fault we were good. My heart is torn in half... We no longer laugh. Why won't you just try... Before you die. Before I die. Before its too late. I am looking for you... What can I do. I know you are there... I just can't see where. Hand in hand we used to play... Now I dream of that day. Comments: CHERYLE'S PHOTOGRAPHY Awww... Kimmie I feel u....

I feel the pain, & sadness of a childhood that didn't grow with you... you know I'm not good with words like you but I do feel u... its not just u & urs its me & mine & alot of others as well. I hope u are feeling better! As you kno we have to look up to the sky for our answers! You have a beautiful family I am so happy we finally met! Your children are precious! You are such a good Mommy =] Isn't that really what its all about anyways?!? LUV YA GURLIE ~Cheryle~

Posted by CHERYLE'S PHOTOGRAPHY on Thursday, June 21, 2007 at 1:39 AM [Remove] [Reply to this]

On the count of three...

So I'm watching David Bromstad's "Color Splash" a few days back and he says... "I love to work with things in sets of 3." I say to myself minutes later... Doesn't everyone??? Well maybe not, but I think I definitely do... 3 Brown pillows and 3 blue ones...the 3rd is on the chair. 3 votive holders with ferns. 3 pears. and 3 wicker balls. And 3 canisters...

I miss you...

Today you woke up my little boy, not my tiny baby. As I sat at the bottom of the stairs, mourning the death of a best friend...I could barely see your little face through the tears. You said, "Moma, let's talk about this, I can make you not sad. Hmm, maybeeee..." I said, "No baby, moma's okay." You stated, "No moma! I'm a big boy, not a baby." In that second, so suddenly, reality landed on me. As I sat at the bottom of the stairs, mourning the loss of my first baby...I could clearly see your little face change through the years. Yesterday, you were my baby. Today, my little boy. Tomorrow, a man.

Who's that girl?

So small and beautiful. She is my daughter. So unique and hilarious. She is my daughter. Completely Absolutely Genuinely Perfect. She is my daughter. She snores, she sings, she dances, she giggles. Goldy locks hair with dirt under her nails. She is my daughter. She plays in the dark. She loves the sun. She says thank you, I love you and No! stop it with such passion. She is cute, she is pretty, she is accepting, she is imaginative. She is an artist. My walls prove it. She is my daughter. Her favorite outfit is her princess dress and her favorite hat is her brother's fireman's hat. She loves dress up, headbands, snacks, crayons, Dora and her carebear. Her friends love her. People are drawn to her. I am in love with her. She is MY daughter.

Dawson's Creek...

Ha ha. I know I know. I have a point though. A few weeks back Skyler and I decided to downgrade our satellite so we wouldn't watch as much TV. Well that has worked out pretty nicely except for a few times when there is NOTHING on and the kids are napping, which is never, and all I want to do is watch TV. So I'm surfing through infomercials and soap operas when I stumble upon old Dawson's Creek reruns. Now because I didn't watch the highly popular teenage drama, I had no clue. So I spend 50 minutes entertaining myself with twenty something actors playing teenagers with big vocabularies and found it quite interesting. Anyway, through the cheesy haziness I began to float into my own memories of friends and foes and lost loves. Here are a few friends I cherish dearly...And all but two I keep in regular contact with. Jodi...She is a large part of who I am today. She was so hell bent on getting me out of my shell, I am not sure she knew what to do once I was out. She made me love art. I remember watching her write my name in crazy pretty letters and trying for hours to duplicate them. She taught me to tweez my eyebrows and how to wear lipstick. I haven't spoken to her in years. I miss her. Nikki...She was my twin. I had never found someone so much like me, it was scary. Over the years, we had ups and downs. Fabulous memories and awful regrets. However she is still my friend. I remember wearing matching outfits. I remember singing cheesy boyband songs together. And I remember she always had my back. She taught me to not be so uptight. I love her free spirit, I love her smile. Crista...Ha Ha...I can't go another minute without saying..."Is that my rose". She was the one who praised me. Kim you are so cute. Kim you can sing girl. Kim you are wild! During my "who am I' years, she was there. And she helped me find the person I was looking for. She is strong and she is lovely. Joanna...Oh dear. Where to start. That girl was so fun. Amazingly unbothered by anyone or anything. I remember crazy drives. I remember the NSYNC concert and I remember how jealous I was that she had the perfect body. Still does. I love her light. I love how everyday is a performance. Nathan...He was my true friend. He was so good at finding the good in people. I learned acceptance from him. I miss him too. Brent...Probably the most life-changing person in my life. I am who I am because he cared. I am here because he knocked on my door. I am who I am because he was great. He lived great. He loved great. He lived above the standard. May he rest in peace. Until we meet again...I will never forget. Candis...BLUE LIPSTICK. what a character. I remember the long talks. I remember thinking I would have never survived her life. She was stronger than anyone. She was tougher than anyone. She was determined and a firecracker (still is). She taught me endurance. I can't get the years I have lost, but I am glad to have her back. She is my sister. Samantha...Our time was brief but great. She had lasting affects on me. She taught me the "other" side of life. She taught me I could have more. She taught me that I could do anything. I appreciate her opening my eyes. She is smart and she is beautiful. Charles...He was (is, well sort of) the male version of myself. Crazy! and well yeah Crazy! I remember him calling me stupid. I remember calling him dumb. I will never find someone who gets me like he does. Its a simple friendship. I love his passion and I love his fire. Kalina...Okay now we were polar opposites. She was my roomie mommie. She stuck by me when life was dark. She loves me unconditionally. She allowed me to teach her and she taught me more than I could've imagined. She is so forgiving and without malice. She is real. Trinity...An old acquaintance and a new friend. She was strong willed and focused. Even when I barely knew her, I knew she'd do great things. She is honest and she is passionate and I love that. She has changed my outlook on life over the last year without even knowing it. I adore her. Jess...She has been a shoulder to lean on. The friendship is still new but she is funny and she is a blast. She is young at heart and she is too much like me at times but enough unlike me to keep me grounded. So fun! I love her. And last but not least... Skyler, my husband. He is my savior. He is my buddy. He laughs at me when I am being stupid. He loves me when I am being rude. He sees who I can become instead of who I am not. When he talks in front of crowds, I stand in awe. He is grounded and I am scattered, we balance. My friends call him my "star-crossed lover" and I believe them. Our story will be the stuff of legends. He has gone to war for me and he has given me two wonderful gifts. He is solid, he is responsible, he is invested...he is mine. I love that boy.

Autobiography

One, two...what did he do to you? ripped your childhood away before you had a grip. Your smile has faded too quickly. Three, four...whats on the other side of this door? a life you didn't ask for...baggage too heavy to carry alone. Five, six...cliques and politics? where to fit in...you'll never be like them. Seven, eight...anger and hate? for who, for what...your eyes have lost all glimmer. Nine, ten...peace within? let it go, its done, over, moving on, but with a little piece of darkness in your pocket and fire in your eyes. They say your days are numbered...I hate numbers. Comments:

What about...

Eleven, Twelve... you're burning in hell? I guess you never let go, but you hid it so well.

Life is so unfair; count on it.

Posted by Boblane on Monday, January 22, 2007 at 8:54 PM [Remove] [Reply to this]

Who says you can't go home...

...I do. Well in the since of home being "who you used to be" anyway. With the coming of winter, a more somber mood returns. Now its not like I don't like snow and Christmas but sunlight is a must for me. So during this time, I spend endless moments thinking about me, my kids, my family, my accomplishments, my failures (more time in this area at times)...sort of self loathing if you will. I am happy with my life, but there are those brief moments in time where I say "Oh life was so much easier back then..." or "I miss those days". And then reality hits and I say "WHAT? No you don't Kim!" Because the truth is, while I love the past, it is just that, the past. And though I would not change it, I don't want to go back. Not for one minute, not to visit, not to observe, nothing! With age, I am starting to appreciate who I am becoming. This time of year brings out the mushy, sappy even cheezy side of my personality, which you won't see often. It's at this time that I begin to look at people instead of everything thats going on around me and I feel appreciative of what I have and not what I don't People such as the lady at the grocery store who is working two jobs to pay for her son's Christmas because his dead beat alchoholic father is "missing". Or the old man, standing at the door in front of Wal-Mart ringing a bell for donations for people he'll never meet (while in my mind, Im whining because the walk from my car to the front door was too cold). I get tons of criticism for "who I am", but I am not phased. From my own personal experience...I have learned that those who are resting their drama on my back are usually angry, maybe jealous, excuse ridden people anyway. So I bear my load and theirs and carry on. As jaded as it sounds, I am okay with the judgements. Because if they feel better just a little, and if they escape their miserable lives for one second (even if its at my expense) then at least they have some form of happiness to hold onto. I have spent so much time and energy trying to get people to see the world as I do...and I have realized, it would be one messed up world if everyone thought as I think. I have found many friends who share my outlook and it's scary. So I am doing better at appreciating new perspectives. Some I even convert into my own and some I still disagree with. However, I will never apologize for this life I have. I earned it, I love it, I am striving to make it the best it can be. Narcassistic? Maybe a little, but I am not without my humble moments either. So I will continue to enjoy the hazy, overcast world for the next few months and try to stop feeling sorry for myself. Winter has just began and I am already begging Skyler to move to California:) Comments:

I love it girl!!! I truly love everything that you write....hang in there its gonna get cold out there promise you that but you truly have alot to be grateful for thats for sure! I love the woman that you have become but also the one that you continue to strive to be...you are remarkable, someone I admire, look up to but most importantly love and consider one of my best friends!! No we would never go back to the past....we need to continue to look forward and all the blessings that lies ahead....Know that there are so many people that love and support you and I am definately one of them!! Much love to you MUAH!! XOXOXO Posted by Creeda Bonita' on Wednesday, December 06, 2006 at 11:48 PM [Remove] [Reply to this]

	kim b	It takes strong friends to be a strong woman...So thanks girl. You know exactly what I am talking about!:) Posted by kim b on Thursday, December 07, 2006 at 10:20 AM [Remove] [Reply to this]

	♥ Holly ♥	I totally understand u! I am a summer girl and I do not lk the shorter cold gray days, they can get u depressed at times. I have thot many times ab our family just leaving for Cali 2 stay, but then, I know we're happy here. We'll just have 2 start hangin out more hopefully then the winter will go by faster! :) Hang in there! :) Posted by ♥ Holly ♥ on Tuesday, January 02, 2007 at 7:46 AM [Remove] [Reply to this]

	Boblane	Excellent read, as usual....a few things..... 1.) The feeling you are having is partially due to the short days of winter, which forces your brain to produce more melatonin than normal, and in turn causes a disruption in your circadian rhythm. 2.) I agree... I wouldn't want to be myself again for anything....i mean, i love the past and all..... but I love peanut butter too....and just like peanut butter, there is always more to come when you finish the jar...... 3.) If I could travel in time (and how is this for narcassistic), I would want to make out with myself. :D 4.) Have you ever seen "Gross Pointe Blank? I'm am SO John Cusak in that movie. Posted by Boblane on Thursday, December 07, 2006 at 9:26 PM [Remove] [Reply to this]

	kim b	1. I have been taking melatonin...so am I making my brain go into overdrive? 2. Yes, love peanut butter. 3. This is hilarious! 4. No, but I will definitely put it on the list now! Posted by kim b on Monday, December 11, 2006 at 10:22 AM [Remove] [Reply to this]

~NiKKi~

i love your blogs!! you are a good writer girl i feel you on the cold wheather we just moved and now that we have a house i have to shovel snow ohh it sucks really bad cold wheather makes us moody yes i wish i was in eldorado just so i would see no snow lol- love you girl take care Posted by ~NiKKi~ on Monday, December 11, 2006 at 3:28 PM [Remove] [Reply to this]

Lost cause

I remember that day in September we spoke. You said "You'll see, it won't happen." I nodded but knew the truth. You said "I just don't fit." I said "You don't want to fit." You said "It's not my fault!" I said "It never is." I yelled, you cried. You lied, I cried. I just wanted to hold your hand...you wanted to let go. I begged for you to stop and think. You said "I have to go NOW." I remember that day in July you called me. You said "Im scared, I don't know how this happened." I nodded because I knew. You said "I can't do this." I said "You have no choice." You said "Why do these things happen to me?" I said "You did this to yourself." You said "What do I do?" I said "Do you really want to know?" You cried, I cried. I said "We'll make it through this." You said "Promise?" I said "Promise." I remember that day in November I sat with you. You said "You don't know what you're talking about." I said "I know you." I said "You need help." You said "I need a gun to my head." I yelled, you cried. You lied, I cried. I just wanted to walk beside you...you wanted to walk behind me. I begged for you to change. You said "I can't". So I wait for the day that I will get that call. They'll say "She's gone." I'll say "She's not gone." I will say "It couldn't happen" but I'll know it did. I'll say "I should have done more" but I'll know I couldn't. I'll ask "Why?" and no one will answer. I will ask "WHY!" and no one will answer. Comments:

~*~*AhNyA*~*~	Hmmmmmm.....I think I will leave my comment in your inbox. How about that? But this is good...very good! Posted by ~*~*AhNyA*~*~ on Monday, October 09, 2006 at 10:34 PM [Remove] [Reply to this]

	Creeda Bonita'	girl keep on writing!!! i love it!! MUAH Posted by Creeda Bonita' on Monday, October 09, 2006 at 10:39 PM [Remove] [Reply to this]

Trinity

stunning! you're so talented. Posted by Trinity on Wednesday, November 01, 2006 at 10:24 AM [Remove] [Reply to this]

Well that explains it all...

So here are 100 random things about Me. As if you didn't know. My favorite food is stale “Flamin Hot Cheetos” As a child, I wanted to become a Criminal Defense attorney. I have ADD, so I get extremely bored, extremely fast. I am proud I was born and raised in Mississippi and Arkansas, although I hope to never live there again. I am told I am a loud talker. I am sarcastic and sassy at times. I try to be good at everything...I am not. In eighth grade, I was featured on KTVE 10 news for writing a song for my middle school choir(BMS) titled “Another Falling Star”. I still like writing songs. My mother named me after a Soap Opera actress. I still call shopping carts “buggies”. I want to do EVERYTHING…so I am constantly saying things like “I think I want to learn guitar, Hey I want to speak French, I think I could build that table myself, Let’s live in Tokyo…and I never know what I want to do from one minute to the next. If a telemarketer calls my house, I tell them I am the babysitter. I believe everything tastes better fried. My favorite store is Wal-Mart…no matter where I move, it feels like home! I was the lead singer of a band in college...briefly. I love taking "people" pictures. I overanalyze everything! I don't eat red meat...often...enough. My stepfather adopted mewhen I was 7. I am someone who says "I hope I turn out like my mother". I was told when I was 16 that I may never get pregnant...but I did...twice in two years...and we named our first son Jaden...and then found out it meant "God has heard". Indeed. We can not have anymore children. I have two step siblings and two half siblings…thus my thirst for attention! The thought of living in the country in the middle of nowhere depresses me.(sorry but its just not for me). I didn’t have a single “boyfriend” until age 19. Neither of my parents graduated high school. I hate cats. When I was in fourth grade, there was a bully girl who used to call me “pancake butt!”...when I was in high school I was called "ghetto butt". The irony. At age 19 I moved to Utah without a plan, apartment or any friends or family, but I made it. Sometimes my children have hot dogs or cereal for dinner. I write in my journal...all the time...often...sometimes. I am constantly trying to write in my journal more. I am always hungry, always cold, always bored, always thinking. My nickname growing up was “Hollywood” from my dad. I get my singing voice from my mother. I have taught voice, dance, and Sunday school and I still adore teaching. I watch Oprah, Heroes, The Office, 30 Rock, and Dr. Phil religiously. I usually don’t wear anything from the year before…maybe jeans...maybe. I am an amateur everything...interior designer, painter, writer, photographer. I hate hospitals. I wear headbands 3 out of 7 days of the week. I don't like to wash my hair everyday. My daughter wears headbands 3 out of 7 days a week. I don't like to wash her hair everyday. I was poor for most of my life, but didn’t realize it until I was about 16, and then I didn’t care. I became a Mormon at age 17. I have an amazing ability to tell when someone is lying. I hate my nose…(I broke it once and its never been the same). My first roommates were two lesbians and a gay guy...I learned a lot about fashion. I love ‘black’ comedy! And hate ‘british’ comedy! I believe that my family was the inspiration for one too many “you know you’re a redneck if” jokes. My music is contemporary, my house is contemporary, and my paintings are contemporary. I am thinner now than before having kids and I am always trying to explain to people that I had a bacteria that ruined my body for 3 years and thus the reason for why I am smaller now. If I could afford to have someone clean my house, I would. I love to eat chocolate chip cookie dough WITHOUT the chocolate chips. I am the only woman I know to have smaller breasts AFTER having two kids. I love to "create" things. I love to watch how something is made and try and do it myself. My first book report was on Diane Sawyer and now I want to be a journalist. My must haves are (again headbands), lip gloss, bobby pins, my iPod and Coke. I am the happiest when I am dancing. I am known for...being loud, being the artsy one, my headbands, my pictures, my writing. I met my husband when I was in High School but didn’t marry him until 3 yrs. later. I love reality television, it makes me feel normal. My favorite smells are laundry detergent and comet cleaner. My favorite colors are blue and brown. I love tabloid magazines. I love making people laugh. I eat every two hours...or Im grumpy...really grumpy. I believe my family to be the most funny people ever. I prefer heels over flats (with the exception my ballet flats) For years, the missionaries have called us the "cool" family in the ward. We love it. My first car was a red Honda Prelude with illegal tinted windows and two twelves in the back (If you don’t know what twelves are, nevermind) When I was two, I broke both of my legs. I love to cook, and do so well, but hate to clean up. I have struggled with acne for years and “you don’t grow out of it”. I now use Proactiv. I am always late. Always! I tend to be the center of attention… and if Im not, Im not happy...jk...well kinda. I am extremely impatient except with children, we have the same attention spans. I don’t know how I survived without Tivo(DVR)…I am so obsessed that when I am listening to the radio and I miss something, my first instinct is to rewind it. I actually get dressed to clean my house. I am a huge procrastinator, but work best under pressure...and late at night. Busy streets, loud people, are my therapy. I respect people who follow a dream and not money. When I was younger, I had a terrible phobia of Tornadoes. So much that I decided to do a research paper on them. BIG MISTAKE! Even if my house is a mess, I take the time to play with my kids. I hate socks and Im probably barefoot 75% of my day. In college, I was addicted to alchohol and still am. However, I have not drank in 4 years and don’t plan to every again. I despise people who think the way they live their lives doesn’t affect their children. If I don’t get enough sleep, my brain shuts down completely and I start to cry. I believe in raising my children with substance not possessions. My biggest fear is dying young. My biggest wish is buying my moma a house. When I got married, my husband Skyler and I eloped due to wedding drama, and we were married in front of a pink heart wreath, on our lunch break, and we then returned back to work, in some groups, this has made us the "fun" couple. We took our "wedding money" and put a down payment on a house.

sweet n sour

As I lay me down to sleep... I should be thinking about the horrible day I had just ended... 6:30 am-Moommmmm! 9:00 am-The kids have found the chocolate syrup and decided to paint the floor with it- AGAIN. 1:00 pm-While I am on the phone with the college admissions, the kids decide it's time to start screaming at the top of their lungs at me and at each other. Around 4:00 pm (I've lost track of time)-Fruit Loops decorate the carpet in our loft! 7:00 pm-Skyler arrives home...Daddddddy! "Hi honey, how was your day?"( I don't think he really wanted to know). But instead, the only thing lingering in my head... "Mommy?" "Yes, Jaden? What is it now?" "Moma, you're my best friend!" (lays his head on my shoulder) "You're my best friend too baby." "Good night."

Good for you Stony...

His name was Stone but the kids called him "stony bolony" because his favorite food was bologne and mayonaise sandwiches...or so we thought. They called me "Hollywood". He was the fat kid that smelled and no one talked to. I was the poor girl with rich friends who believed that I wasn't like "him". He stumbled, fell and all the kids laughed. I tripped, fell and a few helped me up. He was brilliant, almost so that the teachers envied him. I was smart but ignorant to the fact that I was no better than he. Each day he walked home to a middle class home is a decent neighborhood. I walked home to a trailor and I wasn't allowed out after dark. He gave me a Valentine, I gave it away. It took five minutes for him to forgive me. It's taken a lifetime for me to forgive myself. His name was Stone but the kids call him "Dr. Marty"...His favorite food is bologne and mayonaise sandwiches. Comments: alaina

I love it I love it I love it, I can't tell you how much I absolutely adore this.

Posted by alaina on Tuesday, December 12, 2006 at 7:19 PM [Remove] [Reply to this]

Where did I put that map?

Lately I have been trying to make some important decisions in my life and my anxiety levels have risen to astronomical heights. However, it's not the trials that make us stronger, it's how we come out on the other side right? Right? Well I am still trying to convince myself of that one. But I am learning to let go. Punishing myself for past mistakes only hinders my growth. And the baggage only clouds my judgement. So I have been thinking...what if I make the wrong decision? Well I think it's like driving. If I take a left and I should have gone right, well then it will just take me longer to get there, but I am still moving, I am still going to arrive at my destination as long as I keep driving. And who knows I might just find a few unexpected surprises along the way.

What have I created?

A MONSTER!!! or maybe a DIVA! I am not sure which is worse. I spent a large part of my day today arguing with my two year old, I know how ridiculous that sounds, over make-up. This is an ongoing event in my house. I keep asking myself "who is the mother?" Now I could spend a paragraph telling you the story but the play by play is much better... Kim: "Madison, give me that (Mascara and brush)" Madison: "No, Top it Mommy" Kim: "Madison, you don't need make-up honey, your too pretty!" Madison: "I wannit" Kim: "No, baby, its for mommies" Madison: (Sobbing)"Issss MYYYY makeup" (clearly distressed) Kim: "Maddieee, its okay" Madison: "But I neeeeeedit Mom" Kim: "you don't need it" Madison: "I doooooo" (Still sobbing) And eventually, like most two year olds, her attention went elsewhere and she forgave my meaness. I, however, didn't forget the experience so easily. Throughout the day, questions filled my head... What have I created? Why is my daughter so obssessed with vanity? Who am I teaching her to be? When did I lose perspective with her? How can I fix this? And then, I began to answer myself? I have created a monster... She sees me doing my hair, makeup, picking out my clothes everyday... I am teaching her that beauty is routine... I never had perspective... I need to do damage control... Now I know it seems like I'm overanalyzing because it was just make-up, but I really starting to feel guilty about the values I was bestowing upon her. I do not ever want my daughter to feel that "beauty" is only physical and her success will be measured by how good she looks. That, make-up, is as important as character. Now the baby names book describes Madison's name as meaning: Good, Traits: Madison comes across as a rich, successful businesswoman, most likely a player on Wall Street. She's drop-dead gorgeous and a city girl to the core. But it's not what's in a name but what's within her. If she thinks that she should spend more time on her appearance than her intelligence then I have failed. Now I am not anti-makeup, "have you seen me without it? ouch:)", though this rambling would portray me differently, I am just pro-self image. "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, Beauty is only skin deep, Beauty comes from within." Pick your favorite cliche' and that's what I mean. My desire is not only that my daughter will like everything girl... shoes, purses, hair, makeup; but that she will LOVE who she is as a woman...strong, intelligent, kind and feminine. Now which picture do you think says beauty... Makeup No makeup

Hope is not a plan...

I don't know what it is...maybe I look inviting or maybe I just talk too much but people loveeee to tell me their problems. I pity them really because they really have no idea what they create. I listen. It's true... very carefully too. But then they have to endure my, uneducated, highly opinionated advice that includes my own baggage and my own drama of failure and success. So the story goes... I met this lady the other day who was clearly down on life. She said she was 41 but looked 61 and she said she had just quit smoking but I could still see the ash in her eyes. I had said hello and had ask her how she was doing? And of course she told me. I was standing aside her half listening to her and half trying to figure out how I was going to landscape my front yard when she ask "Do you know what I mean?" I suddenly realized that I had no idea what she had just said so I did the only honest thing I could do and I lied. I said "oh yeahhhhhh". My apparent rudeness jolted me into pure guilt for not listening to her so I decided to listen more intently. She continued with her tales of a family member who'd passed away and knee problems and financial ruin. She added that her husband had left her when her children were young and she had spent her whole life with three jobs, no money, no love, no life. I felt for her, really I did. I am a feeler and I attach myself to people and their problems too quickly. So I asked her what she was doing about her life and she stated "Im just hoping something will change. I have been hoping for 20 yrs. so I think Im due, right?" Without thinking (with the words of Anderson Cooper echoing in my head) I said "Honey, hope is not a plan". Dumm dumm dumm...she looked at me as if I was completely un-understanding. When really I did understand. I understood that she had spent her whole life "hoping" but not "doing". I understood that she would spend another 20 yrs. "hoping". I tried to pull my size 7 out of my mouth and regain her attention. I told her I could see what she meant but that she also needed a plan. I ask her how she quit smoking and she said she started smoking less and less each day until she quit. I then told her had she just "hoped" long enough, she would have never quit. She nodded yes. Now I am no philosopher, therapist, or even fautless when it comes to life lessons. But if I spend 20 yrs "hoping" something is going to happen and life still sucks, then I am on to "plan B"! Comments: Wilson

Maybe you should be a therapist.

Posted by Wilson on Friday, September 29, 2006 at 10:40 AM [Remove] [Reply to this]

the last five years...

The last five years... It's taken a while but I think I have found myself... Over the last five years I have made mistakes, learned and made great decisions. Age 20: I spent this year, in college, in love, out of love, confused, drunk, fake, rebellious, resentful, working, did I say drunk? Where do I look? Age 21: Still in college, still drinking, still confused, lost, running in the wrong direction and then I woke up and began living better, walking in the right direction, looking for love, dealing with my past, my childhood, my decisions, my abuse, Trying to find peace...married, pregnant, new house, new car, new life, new husband, new me (but who was me?). I am looking above. Age 22: Just trying to deal...with life, liars, illness, pain...I felt as if I was in the twilight zone. I spent most of my time trying to make it through the day, dealing with a new child and a new illness....Just trying to be someone I was not. Forcing myself to believe I had to sacrifice myself, losing myself, killing the true me. Catering to those around me. Hearing lies, not defending myself, I literally layed down and accepted defeat. Beaten broken bullied. Looking above. Age 23: More of the same...another new baby, another new illness along with the old one. More of trying to be a person I wasn't just to please people. By this time, I have lost myself all together. I am angry, hurt, hopeless, actually furious, saddened. Sacrifice. Looking above. Age 24: Wake up girl! This is your choice. Cheat Destiny!This last year I found myself again. Putting a nail in the coffin of acceptance, because I don't care. Love me or hate me. I am me. Laugh with me, cry with me...I am me. I have great friends, great family, great love. No more illness. No more anger. I know how to be a good mother, I am trying to be a good wife, I am looking for the future rather than dreading it. I am strong and I won't let anything stand in my mirror. I can see myself, my person, my me. No more pleasing, no more masks, no more striving to be something that doesn't exist. Still looking up. "You shouldn't have to lose yourself to please another"...Dr. Phil:) Age 25: Just barely and already I am free and still looking above. Comments:

mandy	ya done good kid ha ha no really im proud of you. i think we all go through these things we just dont talk about it. we dont even know who we are and then we have babies and we try our best to raise them to know who they are. so if you are figuring it out this soon kudos to you Posted by mandy on Friday, June 23, 2006 at 4:46 PM [Remove] [Reply to this]

Wilson

From what I know of you Kim I can go ahead and say with complete confidence that you will in fact not only make it through anything life throws your way, but you will do so with grace and beauty. Your light can be seen for miles and miles. I'm grateful that for a few moments in time it made my days seem brighter. It's good to know everything in your world is the way it should be. Come back for a visit one day. . you're missed. Posted by Wilson on Wednesday, September 27, 2006 at 12:07 PM